Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

You know you're misusing the system, but you're going to do it anyway..

You misunderstood my comment MiaZadora I meant that YOUR post did not actually break guidelines. My reporting was about stopping arguments and upset derailing thiz support thread as I felt that the post would cause that, it wasn't "misusing the system!"

You are entitled to comment, to tell someone if you disagree with them, to reply to someone who has made a comment you wish to respond to. But I felt that the way your post was expressed was not helpful in creating constructive debate and discussion, in providing support or even in giving constructive criticism!

It isn't about shutting down or preventing discussion because it might upset! I have certainly criticised constructively on this yhread many times, I have given and have seen others give tough messages ..and not been blocked/reported/complained at! It is a shame that any valid points you might make are lost in the unfortunate expression of those points!

I responded and then one poster admitted that she reported my post knowing it doesn't break guidelines, but everyone is okay with that bc it's just a mean EAC getting what she deserves.

Posts can be reported for other than breaking guidelines....as I have explained it was about how it was expressed that could potentially derail the thread! Others may or may not be happy with my action: my purpose was not to shut anyone down or to upset anyone, it was to try and stop thee thread being derailed into pointless arguments. It hasn't worked has it but hey ho!

I have seen both EAC and EPs driven off various estrangement threads for various reasons usually to do with posts that are less than constructive

Oh dear, these strikes can make life difficult Whiff. We've had lots of bus strikes recently here too. Just heard that Royal Mail are going on strike too. I have medicine ordered to be delivered that is already late as the pharmacist is having trouble getting it. So many meds in short supply now.

I'm not sure some people have an inkling about manners and tone. Or maybe it's hard to pull off the flounce if you're polite. The only thing that stops me being a bloody-minded cow when I see a confrontational stance is concern for other people's feelings. Not fear. I'm not remotely afraid of the opinions of anyone who doesn't display the wherewithal to back those opinions up with evidence and deliver them with measured objectivity. It's rather obvious when argumentative point scoring is the goal.

Moving on.

Loads more house paperwork (and bills) arrived today. I get the impression that our vendor isn't too sure about some of the questions on the forms. At least I hope so - otherwise, the property we're buying has no mains drainage, no foul water drainage, no septic tank, nothing. It does have toilets though, so I'm hopeful. Will be booking a wee visit to check out the bits and pieces.

And, to be clear. My comments are meant as a general reaction to confrontational posting - which we have seen from more than one person recently, not an underhand dig at anyone specific. If I have reason to take issue with anyone personally I will do so directly and politely.

Oh I hope the delivery of your medication isn't affected hugs.

Gosh, it's far too hot for paperwork. I had to update the church accounts and prepare a treasurer's report for tomorrow evenings PCC meeting, and if I hadn't had to do it today, I wouldn't have bothered.

Sorry, but reading that the property you want to buy doesn't according to the vendor have mains drainage, foul water, septic tank etc did make me laugh. I think saying they're not "too sure about some of the questions on the forms" could be an understatement!!

Good news about the toilets, as long as you never flush.

Just been outside to water the garden, my camelia is burnt to a crisp, one of the dahlias looks dead and my lovely acer is looking rather distressed. And some of trees I planted last year are looking sorry for themselves.....still it could be worse, at least they aren't on fire.

So looking forward to tomorrow. It was 39c here today, scheduled to be 23 tomorrow.

I will need my cardi to help me reacclimatize. ??

One thing I have noticed - no birdsong this last few days. I think they were all in survival mode, conserving their energy.

That's how I have felt. Lol.

I'm not sure some people have an inkling about manners and tone. Or maybe it's hard to pull off the flounce if you're polite -hugshelp

Oh, I completely agree with you! You are absolutely correct that these ne'er do wells just don't know how to communicate with compassion and respect these days! Just wait until these people have to deal with it and see how they like it!

I know I was raised to always respect everyone, especially my elders, and if you can't say something nice, then don't say it, but sometimes I'm simply unable to see straight and use logic when my emotions overwhelm me! The pain and heartbreak just take over and I lash out at others, forgetting that everyone has feelings, not just myself!

Perhaps I'll go out for a walk and see the sites to calm myself from the terrible display of manners and impoliteness! How could anyone just ignore the feelings of all of these nice people who just want the best for everyone?? We all have our own perspectives and situations and there are nuances after all!

My new personal mantra is If they aren't polite and have manners to my standards, they aren't people and their thoughts/feelings don't matter!

The sea gulls are very vocal here DSL and for most of the night too but I just love to hear them.

I'm sure your plants will be OK. It's amazing how quickly they come back. One good thing about a roof terrace with a small sea view is there's no lawn to worry about.

It's even too warm and oppressive to take the dogs into the cemetery this evening so they've just been take up the road to do what needs to be done, brought home again.

DSLMy hydrangea looks dead and quite a few other plant too. I just want rain.
Smileless I would love now just to have a small garden/patio not to worry about.mtgeb I would have the time to go to all the beautiful gardens open to the public .
Madgran, you did what you did to keep harmony as we are here to support those estranged from their children.
I am sure I just saw a spot of rain. I’ll be running round the garden in my underwear if it rains and will kiss the ground.

are we finally getting to the crux of the matter?

allsorts: Madgran, you did what you did to keep harmony as we are here to support those estranged from their childrenMadgran, you did what you did to keep harmony as we are here to support those estranged from their children.
(my italics)

whiff: As I have said those that estranged and those that are estranged will never agree. So best left to our own threads. (my italics)

[nb: i note that my post of earlier today has been ignored.]

riete

Excellent observation; I think you've hit the nail on the head perfectly.

I've created a new, friendly thread that is meant to discuss things from the "Estrangers" perspective, so feel free to chime in if you'd like

I've just been out to the greenhouse and the tops of the tomatoes are burnt to a crisp. Between that, and the over watered cucumber, it's not been a great year for vegetables chez Chewbacca's.
Allsorts if you trim of the burnt bits of your hydrangea, it will regrow for next year and may even be better flowering.

It's hotter than Hades here in France today, my outside thermometer was reading 122 F this afternoon .I dug up some potatoes for dinner in the veg garden and they came up really hot from a depth of about 12 inches, I'm sure if I had left them ,they would have baked themselves by teatime. To round off the day I forgot to put my lovely swiss chocolate bar in the fridge and it is now completely liquid,. Never mind I'm sure I've got some straws somewhere!

Good news about the toilets, as long as you never flush Well that did make me laugh.

The starlings have been very vocal here and the sparrows making heavy use of the bird bath. We have a glut of raspberries which were been making into smoothies and freezing into ice-lollies.

MiaZadora81, way back when I was young, very early 20s, I tended to post a bit confrontationally at times. It wasn't actually an attack on anyone, it was defensiveness and a wall of protection. My situation bothered me because I wanted to have a good relationship with my inlaws. Yet I had boundary stomping inlaws and hadn't been raised that I was allowed to have boundaries and it was okay for other people to not like them without it meaning I was the problem. With time and age I have learned to sort that out (you could call it recovering from being taught by my mother that personal boundaries are wrong and make me wrong). As I became okay with that, I lost the defensiveness because I learned I was okay.

I just want to tell you that you are not wrong for having difficult relationships, it is okay for you to have the feelings you do about past experiences. You are not wrong because someone doesn't 'get it' or has different experiences. Neither are they wrong because they have different experiences to you. No-one can tell you how you feel is wrong because it's how you feel and that just is how it is.

I see all the pain in your posts. I think you can find support on this thread if you let go of the defensive position. I'm sure you're right that some people have been given reasons and just don't want to hear it. You don't have to convince them of that though. Anyone's unwillingness to accept that doesn't negate your own experiences. It's best to take people's stories at face value. Right or wrong, that's their reality.

Should someone try to negate your experience, ignore them. They don't live your life or have the experience to know. One thing is that everyone on this thread is hurting because of the loss of relationships that they would love to have be better. We can support each other in that.

There is a thread here with a title that is something like recovering from unloving mothers (or mother figures). Maybe that would be helpful to you?

We've had a very pleasant evening in our basement living room, which we never use apart from the adjacent study area when I have work to do. It was so wonderfully cool down there and we really felt the difference when we came up to first floor.

Dogs loved it, coolest they've been all day bless them but they wont stay down there unless one of us is with them.

I'm glad that made you laugh hugs. It does help when we can find humour in the things that are getting us down doesn't it.

Mandrake

Thank you for your thoughtful post. You've obviously got a lot of wisdom and very high emotional intelligence, which is why your words have had a positive impact on a lot of people.

With the exception of you and a handful of others, I agree with the sentiment that "the estranged" do not want "the estrangers" here (the whole forum, not just this thread) as this is supposed to be a support group for parents estranged by their children.

Like I have said repeatedly, I'm only in this specific thread because chewbacca brought me into it by calling me an obsessive stalker, then a troll, and then people reported me, asked if English is my first language, etc...all a stunning display of politeness and manners, I might add

I really do appreciate your presence here though and I hope you keep speaking up because you seem to be one of the only voices of reason. Like I said, I was considering apologizing to smileless because of what you said, until all the lovely grown adults started attacking me and I chose to remain at their level of maturity.

So many people could learn a lot from you and I genuinely hope they take the opportunity, but they probably won't because I'm the one who said it.

Best wishes for you and yours though

A very thoughtful and measured post mandrake. Thank you.

Had a bit of sleep but woke up rather hot so cooling off for an hour. It's quite pleasant in the garden now. A basement living room sounds lovely smiles.

hugshelp paperwork regarding house sale and purchase is never ending. When you said about the loo suddenly thought ono they must have a compost loo. The realised I was being dim. The couple who eventually brought my house didn't fill in forms correctly and then went on holiday abroad for 2 weeks. Who on earth goes on holiday when you are selling and buying. The Wednesday before my move and contracts had been exchanged they came to my house with flowers to apologise for the delays. I think they thought I would say it's ok. But as contacts had been exchanged I told them what I thought especially as the estate told them not to use the solicitor they did as she was a nightmare but they ignored her. I found out the the girl hadn't read any of the paperwork and had left everything to her boyfriend to deal with. Also the buyer of their house also told them what he thought as the contacts had been exchanged.

Hugs hope you got your meds .

But for all the delays etc I don't regret moving one bit. I live the life I should have done for years. Moving for me was a new start ok lost my son and grandson's but that was his choice not mine .

With this heat amazingly my garden is fairing well nothing has died. Was to hot last night to water my veg but will do it this morning. Hopefully it will be cooler today .

Funny enough I didn't see any birds yesterday which is odd. They must have all gone to the beach to cool down. Made sure my pond was full so they could have a drink .

It was 28° when I went to bed it's now 27. But seems to be a breeze hope it stays.

Wednesday is market day . There is a lovely cheese stall which I have to walk past as cheese is a weakness of mine. If he is there today hope he has some ice or the cheese will melt .

Was doing some cross stitch yesterday ready for Christmas unfortunately didn't make me feel cooler ☃️?. Will miss my craft group tomorrow with the buses on strike.

But if it's cooler tomorrow I will make mango chutney but very early. At least I don't have to stand over it like making jam .

Well have a good day everyone and hope it's cooler for you all.

The paperwork is a pain Whiff but if it all goes ahead in the end I'm sure it will be worth it. I'm so glad your move made you happy.

There were other things on the forms that suggested the vendors didn't quite understand the forms or rushed them or whatever. But we need to go check a few things and measure up etc. so we'll iron them out. I'm pretty sure it's normal mains drainage - it was built in the sixties and is on a nice little estate with other bungalows so not out in the sticks.

Our buyer is coming to do similar today so I'm having a tidy up. Got a bit lazy in the heat and want it as he viewed it.

Our back garden is shady and always has plenty of food and water so it seems to be a bird magnet atm. There's so many starlight perched on the neighbour's roof - where they wait and complain about waiting for their breakfast - that it looks like that film 'the birds' lol.

25 downstairs now, still hotter up, but there's a breeze so I've got all the windows and the back door open to try and cool it down now.

I love cheese. Eat way too much of it.

Glad you're getting ahead with your Chrismtas crafting. I've started crocheting a Chirstmas gift for a friend. Also just has a Christmas short story accepted to be published in a collection at Christmas.

Miazadora I think looking into "The parent, adult, child model" would really benefit you.

We all have 3 levels of thinking that are our inner parent, inner child and inner adult.

Those with a normal childhood have a happy inner child, a supportive inner parent and their inner adult knows exactly when it is needed.

Those with a difficult childhood often have a hurt inner child, a critical inner parent and an anxious inner adult as a result.

When you are aware of it you can retrain those levels of thinking.

You didn't deserve your childhood and your inner child needs to know you love them, you deserve not to have a critical inner parent and not have it allow undeserved criticism to hurt you. Your inner adult is intelligent and accomplished and deserves the joy and approval brought by the first two.

We can heal, you are one of the lucky ones!

I put my very large parasol up just to protect my plants & did the same with my garden chairs the shadow protecting. Gave my plants a really good watering last night and my lawn, so far so good. Sat and watched the storm before going to bed, what a relief!

As I've already said; had my patio doors wide open and curtains closed, but have now learnt that the doors and windows should be closed in the heat of the day

I think this might just be the wrong thread! ?