Putting myself on the chopping block ...

Genuinely this is just a weird post. It’s one thing to post over there and an entirely different thing to bring that over to this space. This is reaching and not remotely reflecting any level of health on your part. I would ask yourself what you’re actually wanting from this and if it’s negative, you seem to kinda want an argument, I’d ask why you’re seeking that out. Engaging to learn isn’t what you’re doing here and it isn’t making either space anymore healthy, open, or diverse. It just makes it more toxic and honestly that’s already incredibly prevalent in both spaces. This is just a massive red flag here and not reflective in the way you may interpret it to be.

This is from the other site, and whoever said it is spot on.

Missadventure I've always been honest that I joined gransnet in the first place because I wanted a perspective that was from a different viewpoint... Ie not the pure validation I would get from other estranged children.

Granted I have never gone to another forum and talked about that or invited people to look

But you know, healing is not a straight line for anyone. If we can help someone we should... even if that just means showing them empathy where they didn't expect it. That's entirely human and lovely isn't it?

This is an open social media forum and it is allowable to share things cross platform the same way you will see twitter posts and other things shared here.

It's up to all of us as individuals how we want to perceived, anonymous forum or not

I speak to people every day in similar situations to mine and it's been astounding over approx the last 3 years to hear about the experiences of other DILs like myself. Some situations have been much worse than mine.

However, I like to hear different points of view from others who have experienced similar as listening to understand (instead of listening to respond) is important.

As mentioned in my post, I feel it's important for a new mother and baby to bond as opposed to the baby hogging I was subjected to whereas others may have an opposing view and not perceive anything wrong with holding their grandchild for hours (I want to understand the mentality behind it).

Some may not see issue with 'treating' grandkids, again, I wanted to share why my experience was awful around such a decision made by MIL.

I completely accept my post and input may hold absolutely no value for anyone and that's ok but it might, and speaking to others may hold value for my understanding too.

To have a healthy relationship takes 2 and if someone causes medical issues for my baby and then escalates a situation to the point I was at high risk of still birth, does that make me incapable of having healthy relationships? Or is it more damaging to try to maintain a relationship with someone toxic JUST because they are family? From my view, I am protecting my children and will always continue to do so.

I'm not here for conflict which I think others can tell by my responses as I haven't been aggressive or argumentative.

However, looking at the tone of your responses (saying I'm full of it, full of myself and audacious) it appears you are out for conflict so with all due respect I will wish you a good evening and just respond to those who want to engage in healthy conversation.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

But everyone should know there are 3 buttons under this very thread to share it with other large social media platforms. It's an open shareable forum

Am I part of another group with DILs discussing their experiences ... yes. But that's the whole point isn't it? DILs vent in one space and grans vent in another. As I said previously I feel like a lot of estrangement could be avoided with communication between the 2.

IHateHypocrites Please don't be one

I'm not defending anyone, simply saying that a thought process happened and sometimes that is a part of healing and I am always here for people who are capable of that

Thank you for the link IHateHypocrites.

I did ask you on the first page of this thread why you expected "a tirade of abuse" and from whom mamasperspective but you didn't respond.

There are EP's on GN whose estrangements have been due to a large extent because of their AC's partner. I am one, but that doesn't mean that we tar all d's.i.l. with the same brush.

I agree with IHateHypocrites that your intention wasn't to provide insight but to create conflict. I'm glad that you haven't succeeded because that would have been neither "kind" nor "respectful" which you claimed you wanted to be in your OP.

@IHateHypocrites I made the post here and expected that people would have opposing views to me. I didn't want conflict which I said from the outset and said I would speak to anyone with kindness and respect if i was shown the same. I have seen some posts on Gransnet previously and have not understood the mentality so I knew I was potentially opening myself up for grief (thus feeling the forum could have ended up a spectator sport requiring popcorn) but I was still prepared to put my point across in a respectful way without being abusive. Despite the risk, sometimes it's still worth having open communication as many situations are just a lack of understanding on both sides.

Mamasperspective

I speak to people every day in similar situations to mine and it's been astounding over approx the last 3 years to hear about the experiences of other DILs like myself. Some situations have been much worse than mine.

However, I like to hear different points of view from others who have experienced similar as listening to understand (instead of listening to respond) is important.

As mentioned in my post, I feel it's important for a new mother and baby to bond as opposed to the baby hogging I was subjected to whereas others may have an opposing view and not perceive anything wrong with holding their grandchild for hours (I want to understand the mentality behind it).

Some may not see issue with 'treating' grandkids, again, I wanted to share why my experience was awful around such a decision made by MIL.

I completely accept my post and input may hold absolutely no value for anyone and that's ok but it might, and speaking to others may hold value for my understanding too.

To have a healthy relationship takes 2 and if someone causes medical issues for my baby and then escalates a situation to the point I was at high risk of still birth, does that make me incapable of having healthy relationships? Or is it more damaging to try to maintain a relationship with someone toxic JUST because they are family? From my view, I am protecting my children and will always continue to do so.

I'm not here for conflict which I think others can tell by my responses as I haven't been aggressive or argumentative.

However, looking at the tone of your responses (saying I'm full of it, full of myself and audacious) it appears you are out for conflict so with all due respect I will wish you a good evening and just respond to those who want to engage in healthy conversation.

Does anyone actually buy your disingenuous, holier than thou BS? I read the other post. You got busted and you can try to backpedal all you want but anyone who takes the time to read it will know your intentions were less than pure.

There is absolutely no need for this thread to turn ugly unless people let it...

I would challenge any member to think back on whether they have ever contacted another person in public or private to say "look at X thread on x forum"

The moral high ground is always in acknowledging another person may not be in the best place right now and showing them a better way forward by example

Sorry @Smileless2012 but I didn't see that question, there were many other questions appearing so I was trying to answer and must have missed that one. My apologies, that wasn't my intention. I expected abuse because (and I am fully able to admit to being wrong) but it felt like there was a DIL 'camp' and a MIL 'camp' with completely opposing views on estrangement. Consequently I was expecting others to justify reasons behind my MILs behaviour.

Err no, you weren't expecting opposing views you were expecting "a tirade of abuse" and that you were "potentially opening (yourself) up for grief".

You appear to have wrongly judged the EP's and EGP's who post on this forum.

@IHateHypocrites I haven't hidden nor deleted the post, I have nothing to hide, people are welcome to read it. You're obviously on that site yourself which is good as you then (like me) are objectively looking at opposing sides of estrangement.

@Smileless2012 I absolutely did and completely accept that comment. I have encountered kind people on this site before so hoped for healthy conversation (and was open to even healthy debate) but I also knew I would risk facing nastiness or being insulted. Luckily the vast majority have been open to discussion and I genuinely appreciate that.

The funniest part about this is that this isn't the first time OP has done something like this, it's not even the third time. She treats trolling the users of this site like a pathetic little sport. A quick Google search tells you everything you need to know about "mamasperspective" and "Girlmom-79". But carry on pretending that your intentions are good.

Maybe if I'm bored later, I'll post some screenshots for the less technologically-inclined Gransnet users...

@IHateHypocrites post what you like. I've had an awful experience with my MIL to the point where I needed months of therapy (all whilst heavily pregnant) and now my second baby is here safe, no thanks to her. I can look back on the situation and reflect without letting it deeply upset me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand the woman but my partner completely understands what his mother is like and so we have moved on. I still don't understand her mentality (and probably never will) but was prepared to put myself out there on this forum to face people like yourself in order to gain perspective from others experiences. Have I insulted my MIL on the other site? Absolutely! But many others in her family have had the same experience with her which gave me comfort that she was the only common denominator. I'm not tech shy myself, I understand others can see posts and I'm STILL willing to put myself out there. I don't think I have been disrespectful on this thread in any way shape or form.

and, might I add to the above, the other forum is called 'overbearing MILs' because that's what I was up against and what other women on that forum are up against. It's nothing against MILs in general as I understand there are likely more nice and respectful MILs than there are bad ones. I was just unlucky to not have that experience and if I could trade mine in for a different model I would.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202405/medium-221708-img-7151.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202405/medium-766224-img-7152.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202405/medium-605190-img-7153.jpg

So much for transparency... you deleted the post. lol. Are you still trying to maintain that your intentions are good?

IHateHypocrites

So much for transparency... you deleted the post. lol. Are you still trying to maintain that your intentions are good?

Ah, thanks for that.

I did wonder about all this, from the off. It seemed too OTT.

Ah well. 🙄

IHateHypocrites thank you for directing us mother-in-laws to the "overbearing mother-in-laws" forum.

You really only need to read a few posts (and no, not all about mother-in-laws - some are about the whole family not giving parents the chance to parent without a struggle) to see that not a lot changes in personal relationships.

Basically, in the same way that everyone seems to want to touch a pregnant woman's belly, many people (but especially mothers and mothers-in-law) want to play pass-the-parcel with a new baby.

It seems that we may have come on a bit since the 60s 70s 80s 90s in terms or speaking out about what we don't like, and I feel it's good that there is a space for mums (and presumably dads) to vent and gain strength. In our day, we had no idea how many others were out there feeling like us.

And how nice to see some mums on there praising dad's for stepping in. Even 40+ years on I'm grateful for my own supportive husband who told an entitled friend "she said no!" in a tone that was not going to be ignored... I still feel pretty blessed to have him. 🙏

IHateHypocrites

This you?

community.whattoexpect.com/forums/overbearing-mils/topic/gransnet-may-need-back-up-161733806.html

Sad really. And I don’t really see the point.

But, if all this floats their boat, then whatever.🙄

You're not here to provide insight, you're here to feed your ego and create conflict.

Absolutely true.

Well, for what it’s worth, I did estrange my ex-MIL, nearly 50 years ago, for valid reasons - so I’m def not anti DIL/SIL…🙄

I’ve got a DIL and SIL, who are great people, and I love them both. Never a cross word with either.

My issues were with the adult step-children from hell, and what they did to my late husband. But, none of that was about any tug-of-baby, or chocolate bars..🙄

So, as I said at the beginning: estrangements are all different, and happen for different reasons.😗

Thank you for your post @ 00.32 IHateHypocrites. It looks as if you enjoy trying to bait EP's and EGP's mamasperspectiv. Not a very pleasant past time and could explain why your relationship with your own m.i.l. fell apart.

I wondered about this thread too DL because of the title, but like everyone apart it seems from the OP, responded in good faith.