Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Reading all your recent messages made me feel teary at all the sadness and pain including the "bursts" of it that hit even the people who have reached some sort of acceptance.

For many years I feared estrangement was coming. Now not so much although that fear never goes, as I use a version of the"velvet rope" to keep clear boundaries in place beyond which then if Estrangement comes, so be it! I suppose it's my version of acceptance of a reality that may or may not happen.

Mandy this thread has been and is a boon to me and to many others for all sorts of different reasons and needs and I know you will find understanding and constructive comment here. 💐

Great news, have buyers for the house and have offered on a bungalow close to the one we lost, offer was accepted yesterday.
So the move is back on.
Will be tough with DH but have flat packed boxes that I intend to to start on one at a time, marked ‘to keep’ ‘charity’ and ‘dump’.
The girls and SILs will help take stuff to charity or to the skip. Two neighbours have also volunteered to take stuff in their cars if we need them. Will miss our neighbours.
Is no chain thankfully, the people buying it are in a flat that is being bought by a man just divorced and leaving the family house for his wife and children.
Fingers crossed this goes to plan 🤞

Whiff Yes, the trampoline stayed in its place, thank God!
They went away for a long weekend, back yesterday, it just highlighted the noise of them; with the peace & tranquility whilst they were away.

Babs Congratulations! . We must have a quick coffee before you go xx

Yoginimeisje

Babs Congratulations! . We must have a quick coffee before you go xx

Yes indeed.
Will be months yet but am looking forward to seeing you and Joey ❤️❤️

Will PM aft next week. DH has appointment for heart scan and op Monday and Tues but should be home Weds.
🤞❤️

That is good news Babs . You must be thrilled; fingers crossed it all goes smoothly. It's great that your lovely girls and s's.i.l. are on hand to help out and that you have good neighbours.

My cousin who lost her partner of 8 years is in the position we moved here to avoid. She does have a good support network but is living in an enormous detached house with large garden, packed to the gunnels as they both brought possessions from their marital homes.

It's always good to see you here Madgran and good to know that your fear of estrangement isn't as great as it used to be, but I'm sorry that it's still there in the background.

It must be very hard living with this 'spectre at the feast'. I've often wondered if it's harder than actually being estranged, never knowing if and when it will happen but I suppose there is an element of hope as long as there is some contact .

*Smileless It's always good to see you here Madgran and good to know that your fear of estrangement isn't as great as it used to be, but I'm sorry that it's still there in the background.
It must be very hard living with this 'spectre at the feast'* I've often wondered if it's harder than actually being estranged, never knowing if and when it will happen but I suppose there is an element of hope as long as there is some contact

Thankyou Smileless Things have improved because of my "velvet rope" which has brought true acceptance for me that if it happens, it happens. What I have learnt is that some very clear messages given about that "rope" has actually changed behaviours because of a realisation that the behaviours no longer cause upset ..in fact they just cause a shrug of the shoulders and withdrawal...plus more willingness from my AC to acknowledge problem behaviour when it arises through observing my withdrawal!

It might not work for everyone but it is for me at the moment!

@Madgran, you have an understanding with your AC which works for both of you, and are philosophical about it inasmuch as you realise that it works ‘at the moment’, I hope it works for many moments.
Wishing you all the best 🙏🏾🌹

Madgran lovely to hear from you . Glad your way is working for you . You sound more confident now which is nice to hear. And more at peace with yourself. Pleased for you .

For me the way my son did it was cruel and cowardly . But I couldn't live walking on egg shells . So it worked best for me . And allowed me to live my own life as I want it . Having the extra health problems especially this year means I don't have to worry if he gives a dam or not.

Babs that's great news and you have plenty of help from friends and family. Hope all goes well for Mr B.

Took some doing but found where I can get private covid jab done . Boots have a booking form but when I phoned they aren't doing them . But found a pharmacy in the next town which is walk in so going next Friday costing £86 but I would rather have some protection so if I do get covid it hopefully will be mild.

Babs03

@Madgran, you have an understanding with your AC which works for both of you, and are philosophical about it inasmuch as you realise that it works ‘at the moment’, I hope it works for many moments.
Wishing you all the best 🙏🏾🌹

To be honest I don't think it does "work" for ACs partner Bab's ...but it has brought about a realisation that they need to be careful how far they push things ...including with their partner, my AC! 😏

Babs, good news about the move, something you can both look forward to.
Madgran, there was another poster on here, years ago, Derbyshire Lass, I think, who used your "velvet rope" approach, I had never heard of it, but it is what I had done for many years, trying to have boundaries and being aware, it did not work for me. Both parties, ultimately have to love each other and want things to work, If one side ie. your grown up child really wants you out of their lives for whatever reason, you are out. You can't make someone care that doesn't. Some people have minimum contact because it's easier maybe out of guilt.
After many years, I realise now I should have faced full on when I was being distanced.

Morning all.

Had a great evening out last night, lovely meal and then went to see Riverdance. It was absolutely amazing so if you ever get the chance to go don't miss out.

The musicians were just as impressive as the dancers, in particular the violinist whose speed of playing while she at times walked around the stage had to be seen to be believed.

A and L had our dogs so we didn't have to worry about how long we'd be and they're still exhausted having spent the evening with A and L's 12 week Maltese puppy. He's beyond cute and full of boundless energy, not quite what ours are used too.

The relationship your AC has with you and his/her desire to maintain it has enabled your 'velvet rope' approach to succeed thus far Madgran. I know that this has been an ongoing situation for years and it's testament to your patience and strength of character that you maintain your stance, and continue to see your AC and GC although perhaps not as often as you'd like.

It sounds as if your approach may have improved your AC's relationship with their partner; your 'velvet rope' not just setting and reinforcing boundaries in the relationship with you, but in the relationship with your AC too.

Good for you Madgran .

Yes Allsorts there has to be love for the parent(s) which is greater than the need to 'please' a partner and greater than the need to walk away for estrangement to be averted.

Allsorts Absolutely! It works in my context but I know it wont work for all sadly.

What you say is true Smileless. Thankyou

Morning all

Madgran Keep doing what you're doing and ride the ways. Wish I'd had the opportunity to do this, but my estrangement was out of the blue.

Smiles Riverdance sounds fantastic, I will def go if it comes here.

The velvet rope sounds like a really good idea for those coming on here with a similar situation, I often wonder about Jaffacake and whether she is ok, I just wonder if the velvet rope would work for her. Am just hoping the reason she hasn’t been in touch is because things have been resolved now.
Xx

Babs It can work for some IF they can manage to get to a place of acceptance that if it happens then it happens! That is not easy but can be possible in some contexts.

But ofcourse the contexts for each potential Estrangement are all different and unique with different personalities involved

What I have found helpful is learning others stories and "tactics"; sharing different strategies for addressing the many different issues and scenarios that arise. All of this helped me to get to where I am now

Alongside that I have been for several years supporting a mother who made the decision to estrange from her AC because of serious abuse and have found this thread so helpful in thinking about how best to support!

@Madgran abuse is the line in the sand, our daughter abused us, not physically but verbally and manipulated and gaslighted us to the point we didn’t know which way was up. Our other daughters estranged her and encouraged us to do the same but we kept thinking things would change. However, when she managed to get several members of my family on side, including my sister, then extended her reach by abusing us online, I had a breakdown and at last we realised she had crossed the line and did as she wanted us to do - we got lost.
Even so we held out hope, sending cards and gifts on our GCs birthdays and Xmas.
But last year 11 years after we became estranged we finally gave up sending anything.
Abuse is when someone has an emotional hold on somebody which they know they can exploit and take advantage of by making that person feel so diminished they can’t fight their own corner. I now feel ashamed of what we took from our daughter without a word said by us, we were cowed and powerless.
I sincerely hope the mother you speak of is now putting her own well-being first, as we have learned to do, it leaves scars but we can now see them as being part of what makes us stronger.

All so true Babs. Financial abuse is another potential aspect that causes great shock and pain.

But shame is a waste of emotional energy that can be used to heal and accept and enjoy life in a new reality. 💐

Babs Hope Hubby is good today xx

@Madgran, you’re spot on, shame is a negative emotion, but if I could go back in time I would shake myself and say ‘you are enabling her abuse, go now!!’
How blind we are when we love someone so much we cannot see what is in plain sight.

@Yogi,
DH is ok, very fatigued at the moment so presently sleeping a lot, there are days like this but some days he is pushing himself much further which is probs why he is so fatigued. Also he is getting worked up about going into hospital again, hardly any wonder after what he has been through so far.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
🌹❤️

Hello everyone,
I’m new here and happy to find people who had this experience!

Babs and Mr B hope everything goes well with he's treatment .

Diana welcome to the group and hope you feel safe enough to share your story . But I know it takes courage took me months before I could post openly .

Welcome Diana50…☕️

Welcome Diana, sorry you are in this position but some estrangements end quite soon, others like mine don’t but it helps being with those that understand.