Ask a DIL...

Just try and remember what it is like to be a DIL. I never got on with my MIL, and I try to remember what it was that got to me. I think I have been reasonably successful!

I'm very fortunate to have a mother in law I adore and a daughter in law who is like a child of my own (I've known her since she was 7). I have often taken care of my daughter's children and the 'my house, my rules' edict has been happily endorsed by both her and her husband, but then my daughter has stated explicitly that she wants to parent her children in the same way she was parented (she doesn't though ). As my 'rules' are either safety based or simple good manners there has never been a point of conflict. When it comes to feeding/sleeping guidelines etc. then it seems obvious to me that grandparents should defer to parents wishes.
When my son and daughter in law have children I don't expect to be any more or less involved in their lives than I already am and I would hope to give support and encouragement at the level of their need - not mine!

Questions for DIL - Why do DILs immediately regard MILs as the enemy? Why do DILs seem to forget that their children are also MILs Son's children? Why do DILs go out of their way to ensure their parents have much more involvement than MILs and FILs. My own theory is a huge insecurity and resentment of the close relationship between MIL and her Son.

This is all so sad. I try not to be the MIL from hell, although my DIL and I don't always see eye to eye her babies are raised by her rules, and I wouldn't dream of interfering.
My late MIL was a horror. Eldest DS has an autistic spectrum disorder, and his behaviour could be challenging. He had a prescribed program of therapy, but MIL decided that 'a dam' good thrashing' was all that was needed to set him to rights. She put the fear of God into me! I wouldn't have left my children in her care even if she had been willing, and she most certainly wasn't.
I am sure that the OP is right - everyone is different, and in situations like this, the differences become magnified and cause problems.

Not all of them regard the MIL as the enemy, my DIL is lovely Hattiehelga, but I recognise the fact that my DIL has her own mother to whom she is very close.
DD thought she would be getting another mother and I hoped so too as she is thousands of miles from home, but alas, no.

I'm a step MIL and get along very well with my DIL and family. I've just had a Mothering Sunday card from her addressed to MUM....so delighted with that....and lots of pretty candles in jars etc.
I've learned not to interfere but to "boost up" whenever I can. Also if I want to buy anything for my grand daughters I always send her the link first and check with her regarding suitability and sizes. I buy online as I'm pretty much housebound but hate shops anyway. HAPPY MOTHERING SUNDAY to all the mums and grand mums
on here.

I don't think all DILs and SILs regard MIL as an enemy.

Fact of, MIL is not SIL or DILs mom and fitting in is hard work. From what I see, my daughters did try very diligently to get on with their MILs to no avail. Our SILs also attempt getting on with us and that seems to be working. Personalities seem to account for the differences.

Bez1989 You are my doppelganger! I do all as you do!

Be the MIL you'd like but not the MIL you don't want to be like. Something I'm going to take into the future with me.

Really glad you brought this up OP. I'm a DIL and I found the relationship with my MIL the single most difficult thing about being a FTM. I wanted DS to nap in cot she wanted him to sleep in pushchair; I wanted some (albeit fairly flexible) routine for DS she kept saying "he's just a baby" (er, yeah I know) as if I were doing something cruel to him; I breastfed she kept asking about giving him bottles and saying 'Ooh what a shame we can't give him a rusk'; she wanted him to stay over from about 3 months (er, I'm breastfeeding); she came into our house using her key rather than knocking; she offered to help with our washing then stormed off in a huff when DH took it over to her; she said "you don't want to set a precedent " when we had a party for DS' first birthday; managing her moods over whether or not she was seeing DS enough was exhausting. TBH i avoid her wherever possible now whilst letting her develop her relationship with DS. I felt criticised and judged by her when DS was newborn and don't buy the whole "she means well" thing. I really didn't need that as a FTM. I ended up snapping at her after it built up (apologised) but she never took responsibility for her part in that. She's backed off now I've had a second thankfully and whilst I still try to make an effort I actually really don't like her and just keep things civil for my children's and DH's sake.

DILMALLORCA Yikes... well MIL has reaped what she has sown. She just can't let go, or in other words...she's a control freak!

I 100% agree Hattiehelga, sadly. It wasn't like that in my day (I'm 64) but now the young women are hugely threatened and confidently controlling and manipulating, constantly making their man (our sons) 'line up' with them or God help them. But they do it artfully.
I often wonder if THEIR mum is behind it.

AmMaz -well if you've got any DILs I'd like to offer them my deepest sympathy

I have started a new thread with a link, with another viewpoint re Mother in laws, that might interest some posters on this thread.....

So true damewithaname. "Be the MIL you'd like but not the MIL you don't want to be like."

Works for mums too.

Hattiehelga, AmMaz, I am sorry you have had such sad problems with your DiL, but because your experience has been unhappy doesn't mean that is everyone's experience.

I married an only son and had the happiest and most loving relationship with his mother. Sometimes better than the one I had with my own DM. My relationship with DDiL is exactly the same, we enjoy doing things together, swap clothes, and I cannot believe how lucky DS has been to get such a lovely girl to marry him. Both families are quite small so have bonded together to become one. When we turned up for the 80th birthday of DDiL's mother, she thanked us for coming (she lives 200 miles away) because it was so nice to have all the family present.

I know not everyone is as fortunate as me, but between your unhappy experience and my very happy experience there runs a whole gamut of relationships.

I think far too much is talked about MiL/DiL relations. It is no different to going to work and having to work with a range of work colleagues, some of which you like, others you have nothing in common with and still others you actively dislike. If you are to do your job successfully you learn to cope with all three groups and try to keep relations civil between you. Sometimes it will work, sometimes it won't. End of story. Relations with a MiL/Dil are no different.

Jalima only read the first few posts, but you're blooming funny

Yogagirl shh don't tell anyone but I thought at first it was one of those threads about Vans and onesies but I think I was wrong

Brillant post Mawbroon 21 March 17.22

Good posts Anya & Nannagrampy March 22

Ammaz you need to ask your last question to Norah as all her 3 Daughters have cut out their m.i.l's

Anmaz, you "often wonder if THEIR mum is behind it?" Are you saying dils aren't really adults? That their mums are really in charge? Isn't it this refusal to see dils (and dss) as independent adults perfectly capable of making up their own minds that often leads to broken relationships between mums/mils and their ac/acil?

Maybe sometimes dil's mum is involved. But, surely, most of the time ds and dil make this decision on their own, as 2 adults? Also, even if dil's mum is an instigator, any choice ds and dil make is on them.

Starlady I agree one would assume that DILs are acting independently as adults. However I am sometimes astounded by the influence and control that some mothers appear to have over their grown daughters ...it often seems to link to the daughters need to please her mother. I have observed this in the relationships of a number of my own daughters friends ...they are all struggling to be assertive with their mothers , despite being married and several with children. Having said that, I am astounded by the behaviour and expectations of their mothers too!!

Madgrann77 you got it!

Starlady, you haven't noticed how over- involved the mothers are with their daughter's? Controlling.

Perhaps the DiLs are assuming we're the same and are taking action to guard against that possibility!

So supportive Rigby46!