How often should you see Grandparents

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

We popped into my Parents every day as we had to pass their house on the way home.Only stayed a half hour most days but loved to see them and they loved to see our kids.We ssaw PIL every weekend,they would drive the 50 miles on a Friday or Saturday night pick up kids and we would go over to them on Sunday for dinner and bring kids home.The children spent at least 2 weeks a year with them as well.
We are a very close family ,always have been.When my D was tiny and had awful colic it was my Dad who would come to us and take care of her while I got time for a hot bath and a break
I wouldn't have survived without him.We were also starting/running a new business and time was always short ..but never too short to see family

That’s what I call a loving family!

An update- We still see them once a week, still getting multiple texts a day, I answer and reply to be polite every time but it does get on top of me as if I don't reply quick enough as am busy with baby, I get called or husband gets called at work. I was recently in hospital really ill and she came over as soon as I got out of hospital and wanted to rest and left by saying hopefully being in hospital helped me lose weight! She didnt ask how I was or look at me during the visit just took the baby off me. I am writing this as lots of people's new comments seem to think that I have a poor relationship through my own fault, I just want people to know why I choose to not see her more than once a week! It's honestly draining! The constant comments on my weight... literally every visit I get at least 2 comments, last visit... 'have you lost the baby weight yet' and 'shes eaten all that, look'... I had exact same meal as everyone else who finnished? Currently have a new baby and only 2 pounds over pre baby weight, I'm a size 10 so not exactly so obese she's commenting for my own good? My husband is upset with it all and his work are starting to notice as she is calling so much all the time asking about me or asking him if she can come and visit me. His work colleagues told him she is affecting our marriage and making him depressed! He has spoke to her and his father but it doesn't help, she stops for a week then it all starts again! We don't want any more children now, we agreed because of his mum we don't think our marriage could handle this again. I wish I had a mil I could visit and pop in on as I do get overwhelmed sometimes! But she won't leave when I ask her over to help! And she doesn't actually help. Just takes the baby and comments on how I do things wrong ect. She even Google's what I tell her while I am there and reads out why I am wrong and she is right... e.g. needing a car seat and sleeping. Any advice would be good because months on I am still feeling broken!

My parents and in-laws lived too far from us to see their GC often. It's the same with my GC. It takes three trains and nearly four hours to see either family. Doesn't make me a less loving granny. Of course now that they are all getting older and have diverse interests and activities, it's pot luck if I see much of them when I do visit! When we were kids, we lived round the corner from maternal granny and used to drop in on the way home from school; the other granny was the other side of Scotland. We had two weeks with her in the summer and she made a kind of 'royal progress' round the relatives sometimes twice a year. There are no hard and fast rules about how often you 'should' see your GC. If you see them frequently, just be grateful that they aren't on the other side of the planet!

Ignore texts?
Take back her key if she has one,
If possible BE OUT (or enlist a friend to be there) if you fear she is likely to drop in.
Other than that you may need to sit her down and say that you do need a life of your own, time for your own friends and most of all, time for your baby.
I know I am being optimistic, but instead of saying No you could try “this week is out but how about next Wednesday and then the following Tuesday” She may have the hide of a rhino but with your husbands support and infinite patience you could try to get to some sort of compromise.
What you describe in your OP actually sounds not unreasonable although you could try cutting back on weekend lunch visits - go to friends or invite them round instead.

I think you and you're DH are going to have to be a bit tougher OP, she's not treating you with respect because she's getting away with it. Have a chat with her, without DC present if you can, and explain that comments about your weight are not acceptable. Tell her when she texts you will get back to her when you can, but phoning your DHs work is negatively affecting his work, and that she needs to stop checking whether google approves of your parenting decisions. These arent unreasonable requests, its mad that she thinks this is normal. Tell her if she can't treat you with respect you will not be around her.

When you then see her and she comments on your weight or googles something you've said, just get up and leave. Or if it's at your house then point out that you've asked her not to do that, and that it's rude and ask her to leave if she can't treat you with respect.

And your DH needs to get his work to block her phone number, or if it's his phone she's ringing then he needs to block her number during work hours, until she begins to treat you with the respect you deserve as adults.

It'll be hard to stand up to her but it sounds like she's making yours and your DHs life a misery by treating you like this.

OP. You are a new mom and deserve to be treated with respect. You clearly make time for your mom and mil.

Ignore all her texts. Do not be tempted to respond with anything other than “see you x day from 1pm-3pm.

When she arrives if she criticizes your weight - go to your room with baby or leave the home with baby and tell your husband we will try again in 2 weeks

In two weeks have her over 1-3pm. If she is rude again lather rinse repeat but this time wait one month.

Her behaviour is rude and inappropriate.

When do you return to work and what are your childcare plans?

It does sound as if your MiL is being unreasonable and I do think you (or probably your DH) need to say something to her quite strongly. Agree with Newmom101.
However sj0102 as usual your approach is too cruel and controlling. I am.so glad my DiL does not have that approach. And I am amazed you never see MiL without your DH (for protection?) My DiL often comes to visit with GC on her own or invites us (or just me) to visit when our DS is not there. In fact we've gone for weekends to help with GC when he's away on business. We see our SiL on his own less often but it has happened. And our DD entertains her MiL on her own quite often too.

Polly. OP should do what works best for her family. Having someone in your home who nags and criticizes is not a pleasant experience. If OP wanted to entertain her mil alone, she would have done so already. She clearly is fine with once a week visits; but her mil is aggravating the relationship by texting constantly and wanting more than what OP is comfortable with. With the added stressor of being criticized for her weight, it is no wonder the OP isn’t clamouring for her mils approval. Nor should she.

She shouldn't have to clamour for their approval, but no one is suggesting that. But it is possible in many situations to resolve issues by having a conversation with people, without causing conflict. The OP may indeed need the support of family in the future, causing issues by refusing to see them for a month if they don't bend to her will is just going to cause more trouble.

The OP deserves respect from her MIL, she needs to demonstrate the way she wants to be treated. Simply throwing a temper tantrum with a list of rules and boundaries for her MIL is likely to make the MIL respond in a similar manner and cause further problems.

Honestly SJ, your posts offering advice of how posters should behave in the same dictatorial ways as you arent helpful for people who want to build respectful relationships with others.

Newmom. The mil is body shaming the OP and you are of the mind she should sit and take it? Would you want your child to be body shamed?

I can't see where Newmom has suggested that the OP should 'just sit and take' anything, She is wisely pointing out that extreme reactions are not the answer. Has the word diplomacy disappeared from our vocabulary? I hope not!

OP, it is entirely up to you and your DH how often you see anyone. It sounds like you are already very generous with your time, so I hope you can find a way of solving this without having to resort any of the extreme measures that some have suggested.

Diktat If you read my first post you would see that I did not suggest she should sit and take it. I said she should tell her MIL it's unacceptable and leave her house when she does it or tell her MIL to leave when she makes comments about her weight.

I am recommending the same as my first, that the OP talks to her MIL, explaining that comments about her weight are not acceptable and dealing with her behaviour when she does.

Diktat
good name

This has gone on rather a long time now, re your last post why are you asking her over to help when she doesn't, this is encouragement, you must stick to the once a week visit which I think is with your husband, texts are great don't answer immediately and not everyone if they are repetitive. Make your weekly arrangements to see other family and friends and stick to them. I know it is very difficult but you must challenge her over the weight thing, its just plain rude she probably wouldn't feel free to say this to anyone else, you have a small baby and are a size 10! As for the calls at work to your husband, if he has spoken to her say first thing surely he could ignore all other calls until work is finished, or he could just tell her not to phone him at work or he will lose his job!

Haven't had her over on an invite in months... Just mentioned as in past everyone I ask advice to says that if I ask her to help will be a good thing, so explained why that's not an option. Unfortunately if I ignore messages she calls and texts and then comes around or starts calling husband so it's not an option to ignore them!

I see my 3 GKs 2 or 3 times a year. Like Kim19, I would love it to be more often, but have to accept that's the way it is nowadays. Mine live 100 miles away and the parents have busy lives.

Um ... I thought you said you saw her once a week on the OP, Feb? If shes not been invited for moths perhaps thats part of the problem? She may be pestering you as she'd like to see the GC. I sometimes ask if I can visit when I've not seen them for ages (but I dont pester with multiple texts /phone calls, or criticise when I come!)

Well just ignoring the messages isn't going to work if she knows she can pester you and your husband into responding. You need to explain first that you will not be replying straight away as you have a baby to look after. And you need to tell her not call your husband as it's jeopardising his job.

Have you seen her at all in the last few months?

If I understand the update right, OP is still seeing the granny once a week, but not at OP’s house?

Is that right?

Ok that makes sense!

Also, if I saw anyone once a week and they still constantly texted after being asked not to, and then checked up on me with my spouse, I would block their number.

Even if it was a mother or a mother in law. I’ve been constantly harrassed by phone before and it’s incredibly draining. It seems such a minor thing but you start being constantly on edge waiting for it to go off with an avalanche of texts.

Can you just put your phone off during the day or does DH insist you have it on? Because you need a rest from this. No one’s mum or MIL needs to be texting them multiple times a day in this situation, especially since she actually sees the baby in person once a week.

Always once a week otherwise she does show up on the doorstep, we found giving her a specific day means she is less likely to show up in the week, texting and calls are hard but easier than when she shows up at the door while my husband is out and takes the baby. This week was two visits, just not at our house, when she started being funny husband agreed would meet outside home so we can leave when she gets too much. It is still hard to leave as she doesn't give baby back or walks off with him and says we are being mean taking him!

She does sound a very difficult woman!