Husband too soft with GCs

This is a Good Cop, Bad Cop situation.

Grandad lets them get out of control because he can't seem to control himself if he joins in with them. And then, when someone decides to exercise some much needed discipline (yourself) then the flak comes your way - and Grandad gets to be the hero!

And telling you off in front of the grandchildren was a bit mean - it reinforces Grandads 'Good Guy' image: he's fattening up his ego at the expense of your self-esteem.

He’s making a rod for his own back, enjoys being Mr Popular Granddad.

Silly man.

Well ideally sit him down and talk to him and tell him the boys need ground rules of where they can play rough and tumble with grandad and where they can’t, the restaurant being a complete no no for games however if he wants rough and tumble in the house or garden that’s fine and a nice change for them as they obviously enjoy the quieter moments with their nan gardening cooking reading etc but they must learn the difference 5 and 6 are still very young and at that really noisy boisterous age where they need to run jump fight and learn the rules of tough play ( but in the right places)
If he can’t sit down and talk or negotiate with you I d suggest
you take them out separately for a while they will soon learn grandmas rules and grandads rules let him take the stick if things go wrong not ideal I know as you want to go as a family but temporarily it might set the ground rules and they will quickly learn the difference
Telling you off in front of the children is a complete NO NO and I hope you had a word with him over that

Nothing wrong with a bit of rough and tumble at that age, kids love it, but a line has to be drawn and is not fair if you are always the one to draw it.
The thing is people often have very different views on child discipline, were you there when the stepchildren were small? If not he probably was the same back then.
Try impressing upon him how much it upsets you that he constantly portrays you as the bad guy when you are just trying to instil good behaviour in the children, try not to make it an argument but maybe sit down one evening with a glass of wine or cuppa and just talk about it. Whenever we needed to have a robust conversation we would have an object that the person talking would hold and this meant that the other person couldn’t weigh in until that person had finished what they wanted to say then they would pass the object to the other person to reply. And no throwing the object 🤣
Perhaps a good compromise would be that grandpa gets to tough and tumble at home but when outside different rules apply with regard to behaviour and noise levels.
Good luck.

I'm guessing the GC never do their OTT "grandpa" routines in front of their parents!

If their parents knew about the toe-stepping, goolie punchong and deliberate rudeness (standing in front of TV) I am pretty sure they'd feel the same as you and exert some pressure on Grandpa.. and the kids. to cut that out.

I 'd be VERY seriously concerned what Grandpas' motive is in Grandpa is training them it's acceptable / "just a game" to touch his genitals ?????????? ANYBODY's genitals/ Is he doing it back to them when you don't see?

Can you imagine the consequences if one of them grabs/punched /squeezes a kid's genitals at school, and offers the excuse " I do it to grandpa , he likes it".

Oh I've been there! I wasn't married though, and in the end my ex-partner's indulgent behaviour towards his family became too much. He chose them over me and I left.

butterandjam I 'd be VERY seriously concerned what Grandpas' motive is in Grandpa is training them it's acceptable / "just a game" to touch his genitals ?????????? ANYBODY's genitals/ Is he doing it back to them when you don't see?

Can you imagine the consequences if one of them grabs/punched /squeezes a kid's genitals at school, and offers the excuse " I do it to grandpa , he likes it".

Exactly. I was thinking the same.

No, it's really not that, I can guarantee. The boy does it because he knows its a good way to fell a grown man. I've seen him do it to his dad and uncle too. But they are stern about it, whereas my husband only reacts to it - by doubling up! - if the little boy scores a 'strike'.

He needs to stop it KatyaStrings because schools are very hot on anything like this and his behaviour could easily be misinterpreted. A child of that age only learns that behaviour at home. Whatever his reason for doing it, it's inappropriate unless he is being abducted, and needs to be stopped.

He's not doing the kids any favours is he. Standing in front of him shouting when he's talking to someone is going to make them look stupid not cute.

In your situation I would speak to his parents, the behaviour of the children must stop. As for the child punching men in their genitals - WHAT!! He does it to his Dad and Uncle too. He is doing it because he can, simple as that . He needs to be taught that he can't!!!!
Forgive me if I am over stepping the mark now but your DH must change his behaviour too - especially when it comes to reprimanding you in a public place and in front of your GC - how dare he!?
It seems that your DH thinks you have no say in what is happening with your GC because they are not biologically yours, how wrong he is. He is disrespecting you and relishes the 'power' he thinks he has over you because he is their biological GF.
As others have said , the child's behaviour could have very serious consequences if he punches a classmate or teacher in the genitals. Your husband needs a good talking to and the child's parents are probably the best people to do this.
If your DH demeans you ever again in a public place , pick up your bag and coat , book a taxi and go home. He will be lucky if that is all you do !

These children clearly know no boundaries and are being pulled in different directions all the time by you and grandad! Does your DH not see the potential for someone to get seriously injured by these silly antics?
Maybe he sees him allowing this behaviour as snub to you because you are more level headed and responsible…….who knows.
Either way, he is being very silly…….Maybe, when one of them had successfully landed a punch in his goodies he might rethink and rein them in a bit.
Standing on a chair in a restaurant is not acceptable and you were right to speak to the child, other diners do not want to witness that kind of dangerous behaviour and had he fallen off the chair he might have sustained a serious injury.

Sparklefizz

butterandjam I 'd be VERY seriously concerned what Grandpas' motive is in Grandpa is training them it's acceptable / "just a game" to touch his genitals ?????????? ANYBODY's genitals/ Is he doing it back to them when you don't see?

Can you imagine the consequences if one of them grabs/punched /squeezes a kid's genitals at school, and offers the excuse " I do it to grandpa , he likes it".

Exactly. I was thinking the same.

No, he's not enjoying it when he doubles up I can assure you! The child is quite sneaky about it - it looks like he's flailing about or playfighting but I can see what he's aiming at, if you see what I mean. It's just an example of something I think needs getting under control, but husband doesn't see it as being intentional.

Astitchintime

These children clearly know no boundaries and are being pulled in different directions all the time by you and grandad! Does your DH not see the potential for someone to get seriously injured by these silly antics?
Maybe he sees him allowing this behaviour as snub to you because you are more level headed and responsible…….who knows.
Either way, he is being very silly…….Maybe, when one of them had successfully landed a punch in his goodies he might rethink and rein them in a bit.
Standing on a chair in a restaurant is not acceptable and you were right to speak to the child, other diners do not want to witness that kind of dangerous behaviour and had he fallen off the chair he might have sustained a serious injury.

I told my husband that a child standing on a chair in a restaurant is unacceptable but he said it's fine, perfectly normal, all kids do it 🤷‍♀️.

Shelflife

In your situation I would speak to his parents, the behaviour of the children must stop. As for the child punching men in their genitals - WHAT!! He does it to his Dad and Uncle too. He is doing it because he can, simple as that . He needs to be taught that he can't!!!!
Forgive me if I am over stepping the mark now but your DH must change his behaviour too - especially when it comes to reprimanding you in a public place and in front of your GC - how dare he!?
It seems that your DH thinks you have no say in what is happening with your GC because they are not biologically yours, how wrong he is. He is disrespecting you and relishes the 'power' he thinks he has over you because he is their biological GF.
As others have said , the child's behaviour could have very serious consequences if he punches a classmate or teacher in the genitals. Your husband needs a good talking to and the child's parents are probably the best people to do this.
If your DH demeans you ever again in a public place , pick up your bag and coat , book a taxi and go home. He will be lucky if that is all you do !

The parents are lovely but their children can do no wrong in their eyes, and they practice 'gentle parenting'. And they love their dad dearly. It would be impossible to raise it with them and not be seen as 'grumpy stepgranny'.

KatyaStrings

No, it's really not that, I can guarantee. The boy does it because he knows its a good way to fell a grown man. I've seen him do it to his dad and uncle too. But they are stern about it, whereas my husband only reacts to it - by doubling up! - if the little boy scores a 'strike'.

Most sexual abuse of children happens within the family, by a man the child knows and loves, often begun in plain sight of other adults. He's grooming all of you to turn a blind eye to what you all know is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE BODY CONTACT WITH LITTLE BOYS

Rough play is a classic way that paedophiles groom children to normalise genital contact ... and associate it with a bit of pain.

Your Grandsons should be taught never, ever to punch anyone there. A genital "strike" could also fell a smaller boy at school, where genital bullying = automatic referral to child protection.

KatyaStrings

Sparklefizz

butterandjam I 'd be VERY seriously concerned what Grandpas' motive is in Grandpa is training them it's acceptable / "just a game" to touch his genitals ?????????? ANYBODY's genitals/ Is he doing it back to them when you don't see?

Can you imagine the consequences if one of them grabs/punched /squeezes a kid's genitals at school, and offers the excuse " I do it to grandpa , he likes it".

Exactly. I was thinking the same.

No, he's not enjoying it when he doubles up I can assure you! The child is quite sneaky about it - it looks like he's flailing about or playfighting but I can see what he's aiming at, if you see what I mean. It's just an example of something I think needs getting under control, but husband doesn't see it as being intentional.

He COULD stop it for ever, but doesn't. He keeps doing it. Why do you think that is?

Have you never heard of sado masochism?

Some men find genital pain sexually exciting. Some men find little boys sexually exciting.

I think the focus on genital bashing and any connotation is over the top and I’d be most offended if someone made those comments about my husband. Common behave amongst young/teenage boys, your husband needs to grow up.
I agree with BlueBelle take them out separately if your comments aren’t listened to, let your husband deal with any scrapes, bumps and bruises.

butterandjam You are talking a great deal of sense.
I hope Katya takes note.

I know you don't want to be "grumpy stepgranny", Katya but this is very important indeed. You say you can see what the boy is "aiming at" .... therefore Grandpa can see that too .... but does nothing. Why not?

This is a Good Cop, Bad Cop situation.

Exactly my first thought, windmill!
He wants to be Mr Popular but he's not, in fact, encouraging them in the right direction.

In fact, KatyaStrings is being the better grandparent on the occasions I'm alone with them, they behave perfectly - we chat and play and garden and draw and cook and paint and have a lovely time.

I do understand many men like to play rough and tumble, especially with sons and grandsons but it's encouraging them to think it's ok when it will certainly not be ok at school.

A difficult one. Can you point out, calmly, that he might be encouraging them to do the same at school where they will get into trouble.
He certainly should not show you up in front of them either.

What does your step-daughter think, KatyaStrings?

Jaxjacky I totally agree the fact that they punch him where they know it ll hurt is nit necessarily anything to do with the grandad getting off on it , thats a big stretch it’s him trying to be a silly ass and playing daft stupid boy rough games I would talk to them, separately and tell them that is not acceptable and tell them they can injure another child badly and it’s not tolerated and they will go home next time they do that and tell the silly grandad the same and stick to it
I would put a stop to the restaurant meals telling the boys and grandad why No way would I ever have a child standing on his seat in a restaurant he d get no food at all from me
Their behaviour is well out of order and needs stopping straight away

If I was in this situation, I think I'd plan to be out of the house whenever the GC need to be looked after and leave him to deal with all the chaos on his own. If he hasn't got someone else to play off and boost his own self-esteem in the eyes of the GC, I suspect the importance to him of being the "favourite" GP will soon wear off when he has to deal with the consquences on his own.

No way is it "normal" for children to stand on seats in restaurants beyond toddler stage, and even at a much younger age we have told our GC that they must sit properly or we will have to leave. It is easy to distract them at that age with crayons and paper at the table (I always take my own but most large chains will provide them for younger diners) and my experience is that they learn the rules pretty quickly!

I know you say you love being with the GC, but a sharp lesson now may pay dividends in the future...

I think you should change to seeing the children separately. Your husband can rough-house to his heart's content and be shown up in public by their poor behaviour.
He might not find it all so enjoyable without you there as the audience, having a fit of the vapours... 🤔

Meanwhile you can enjoy a civilised lunch out with a friend, somewhere you won't bump into them of course.

When it's your turn to have the boys you can do fun activities, in a civilised manner.
Somebody needs to show these boys there is another way to enjoy yourself without being feral.
I'm sure their school teachers would appreciate that as well.

For context with the punching in the genitals... my granddad's favourite game was tickling us, whether we wanted it or not. Our parents and grandma smiled and let it carry on.
By the time I reached 12 there was a most unpleasant episode one day.
Suffice to say I have a strict "keep your hands to yourself" rule in my house.

Your husband is rewarding the boys for bad behaviour. Is he stupid? God help you if your man got a large strong dog to train!