Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

Yes you made a mistake, but when you meet with open defiance from a 5 year old, your patience can snap. But perhaps she IS a horrible child, but that is a criticism of your DD, so she is resentful and defensive. But HER behaviour standing you up, is bad behaviour too. Possibly she knows that her parenting needs work, and is as angry that it hit home.

But with small children you have to tell them that their behaviour is horrible and you expect better of her, not that SHE is - even at 5. But did your DD not play up when she was overtired, or perhaps just missing mummy? - did DD tell her that it was only for the evening and that she would be there the following morning?

I think there are multiple things we need to unpack here.

1. The child was absolutely demonstrating appalling behaviour.

2. It is human to reach a breaking point.

3. The verbal response was inappropriate. The child herself is not horrible. Her behaviour is poor. It is possible to correct behaviour without labelling a child.

4. I do agree that an apology is important here. It's also a teaching moment for the child. Modelling how to give a proper apology teaches her how to resolve conflicts.

5. I do think the daughter's behaviour of not turning up without providing notification is also problematic, but I can understand her perspective.

Bottom line: all three people in this situation were out of line, and apologies are required.

A rhyme said by generations in my family. There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead when she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was horrid.

I understand why you said it, children of all ages can be right little sods and parents DON'T want to say no to them.

My niece is raising her sprog using "gentle parenting". You can tell who's boss in their house and it's not the adults. Her child minder doesn't use that method and the kid does as she's told. She's 3!

Folk will probably rant at me now, I don't care!

I also agree with regards to obedience! Good enough for dogs!

This sounds as if it's got out of proportion. Why is all the emphasis on the poor badly behaved child, and not on the grandmother trying to do her best? We're all human and it seems nowadays children have to be treated with kid gloves, whereas grandmothers can take all the abuse they're given. If you push someone hard enough they will react. Forgive yourself and maybe try and reason with your daughter.

agnurse

I think there are multiple things we need to unpack here.

1. The child was absolutely demonstrating appalling behaviour.

2. It is human to reach a breaking point.

3. The verbal response was inappropriate. The child herself is not horrible. Her behaviour is poor. It is possible to correct behaviour without labelling a child.

4. I do agree that an apology is important here. It's also a teaching moment for the child. Modelling how to give a proper apology teaches her how to resolve conflicts.

5. I do think the daughter's behaviour of not turning up without providing notification is also problematic, but I can understand her perspective.

Bottom line: all three people in this situation were out of line, and apologies are required.

👏👏👏

Especially this:
3. The verbal response was inappropriate. The child herself is not horrible. Her behaviour is poor. It is possible to correct behaviour without labelling a child.

Calling a child a horrible little girl is not exactly an adult response. Telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable is far more productive. I understand the frustration and feelings of helplessness against such determined behaviour but a tit for tat childish response from an adult is not the answer.

I would have let her stay up and tell her that you would explain to mummy how naughty she had been and it would be up to mummy to deal with her.

I'm so sorry you had such an unkind response from people on this forum;
we can all snap under pressure and what you said to the 5 year old is not going to affect her as much as some imply, especially as the mother has no doubt given her endless reassurances that she is not a horrible child.

Steppi

It's seriously a case of gransnet hijacking.
Just remember anyone can sign up.
We have no way of knowing if there is anything genuine about other people at all.
So many people ready to throw their opinions at others they don't know.
Quite honestly I'm not that impressed with gransnet.
There may be some genuine people but I think there maybe some who want to pump themselves up with condemnation .
Maybe those people aren't even grandparents.

I’m a granny to a lovely 5 year old. On occasion, his behaviour has not been ideal. I have/would never tell him he is horrible. My mother said some awful things to me when I was a small child, struggling to understand life after an abusive father, and her words have never left me. Over 5 decades on, I remember them all. Insulting a tired child and resorting to the sherry is poor grandparenting.

I once had a similar experience when babysitting. After that I always have the children stay over with me rather than babysitting in their own home. I find the children are much better behaved in my house and we all go upstairs to bed together at 9 pm. I hope this works for you.

It's seriously a case of gransnet hijacking.
Just remember anyone can sign up.

Yes.
Are you a new poster, Steppi?
Sorry you're not impressed with us.

Oh please. The five year old was just being naughty. Gran was just being tired. It is what all kids and grans do at some time or another.

My thoughts are (to mum of the kids) send us a message-if you become a grandparent in the future(maybe time travel will be a thing by then) to let us know how it’s all going!
Entitled or what.
Ps. I’d have texted Mum whilest the behaviour was happening. I have done this. And told the kids.
PPs as long as the kids stay in the bedroom( toilet and drinks accepted) just leave them to it they won’t suffer from lack of sleep.
It was mean to call off the cinema trip imo.

Granmarderby10

Oh please. The five year old was just being naughty. Gran was just being tired. It is what all kids and grans do at some time or another.

My thoughts are (to mum of the kids) send us a message-if you become a grandparent in the future(maybe time travel will be a thing by then) to let us know how it’s all going!
Entitled or what.
Ps. I’d have texted Mum whilest the behaviour was happening. I have done this. And told the kids.
PPs as long as the kids stay in the bedroom( toilet and drinks accepted) just leave them to it they won’t suffer from lack of sleep.
It was mean to call off the cinema trip imo.

No, not all.

Gentle parenting shouldn't lead to children calling the shots but it seems that in many cases that's what the parents allow to happen.

From what has been said about this particular situation I imagine that instead of creating an enjoyable bedtime routine at an age appropriate time the parent has allowed the child to decide when to go to bed thus creating a battlefield for NJAPF

How can anyone expect a child to behave if no-one has taught them what good behaviour is.

Hi. I understand how you must have felt. My granddaughter is a lovely little girl usually but constantly misbehaves with me which she doesn’t do with her parents. Her dad and I have discussed this.
It’s hard to hold my tongue sometimes, especially if I’m tired, however I tell her that her behaviour is horrid (not that she’s horrible as that can stick in her mind for years to come)
Could you tell your daughter you’d like to apologise to your GD for calling her that name but explain her behaviour was unacceptable
Good luck

Basgetti

Steppi

It's seriously a case of gransnet hijacking.
Just remember anyone can sign up.
We have no way of knowing if there is anything genuine about other people at all.
So many people ready to throw their opinions at others they don't know.
Quite honestly I'm not that impressed with gransnet.
There may be some genuine people but I think there maybe some who want to pump themselves up with condemnation .
Maybe those people aren't even grandparents.

I’m a granny to a lovely 5 year old. On occasion, his behaviour has not been ideal. I have/would never tell him he is horrible. My mother said some awful things to me when I was a small child, struggling to understand life after an abusive father, and her words have never left me. Over 5 decades on, I remember them all. Insulting a tired child and resorting to the sherry is poor grandparenting.

Exactly this, my narcissistic mother said awful things to me they still hurt.

As a mother and grandmother I knew I had to break the cycle.

Yes boundaries and discipline are importantly but so are love and kindness.

Our one golden rule was no empty threats, if I said “anymore nonsense and we go home then go home we did”

I keep coming back to the fact that the youngest is the favoured grandchild, and I have to wonder if the other two were favoured at that age before they got opinions of their own as well. Will the current youngest be resigned to also being a horrid child when they are a little older?
I have often noticed in life that some people only like children who don’t have options.

It feels very dangerous to me

You sound very angry, whikst children do play up your words could stick with the child for life. I'm glad you're not looking after mine

No doubt the children were overtired and wound up just as the OP was and, just like her, beyond their ability to behave reasonably. It happens. It was gone 10 o’clock at night and the children are very young. Tolerance and manners on both sides had gone out of the window.

Apologies required all round.

Apologies required all round I agree Delila.

Why was a 5 year old still up at 10pm?
Surely if she had been taken to her bed at a sensible time she wouldn,t have been overtired and fractious,Iwould have thoughtgranny would have understood that.
Don’t blame the child for your failure

Oh for goodness sake she called the child a horrid girl, she did not swear, she did not hit her. This child has probably forgotten about it now. I bet she could not wait to tell her Mum.

This is not s failure on the Grans part, she was tired, and this child was playing up. It happened. I would say to the Gran to stop thinking about it, and for some posters to stop making a mountain out of a molehill. In the scheme of things it dies not matter. Think of kids who are starved, beaten, and not fed. Not a Grsn who was trying her best with a 5 year old who I think is spoilt.

rafichagran

Oh for goodness sake she called the child a horrid girl, she did not swear, she did not hit her. This child has probably forgotten about it now. I bet she could not wait to tell her Mum.

This is not s failure on the Grans part, she was tired, and this child was playing up. It happened. I would say to the Gran to stop thinking about it, and for some posters to stop making a mountain out of a molehill. In the scheme of things it dies not matter. Think of kids who are starved, beaten, and not fed. Not a Grsn who was trying her best with a 5 year old who I think is spoilt.

Not swearing or hitting the child is a very low bar!

Honestly it is a fuss about nothing. This kid will not remember this.
Also what was said in tiredness and frustration was true at the time. I was hoping the OP would come back and not be put off by a load judgemental Grans. Its a shame she won't, but I don't blame her, some of your replies have been over the top. Most children are resilient.

It’s not often I read every answer on GN. My Dds parenting methods are both extreme, DD 1 will not tolerate any form of bad behaviour, she used the 123 time out method when they were young, now she asks once politely then turns into a sergeant major and shouts so loudly my ear drums feel like they are bursting… lol DD2 is the extreme opposite her children rule… I’ve learnt to go along with it and follow their rules. However I’m a great believer in I’m not the GGCs parent and bribery works best for me. By that, I mean Gd age 9 can stay in the bath with loads of bubbles while I lay on the bed and read ‘how the world works’ to the 6 year old (his mum amd dad will not read this with him because they find it boring!!!lol he goes to sleep pretty quick. Then help the 9 year old get dry and dressed and lay on her bed with her while she reads to me.. it’s not worth rushing them or trying to make them conform to your standards. I have had heated discussions with both my Dads but I can’t go to sleep if we haven’t made up. I’m happy to apologise even if it wasn’t my fault.