I just do not understand...

And you really can't presume to know where people are 'going wrong' from a post. You may think you know, but you never know the whole picture from just a few lines. It would take a lot of work to really unpick what is going on. So I'm with others on this subject - least said, soonest mended.

How bad is it that there is a damn Wonga advert at the top of the "different place" !

I'm a bit concerned about the references to 'them' and 'us' on this thread. How many times does one have to post before they become 'us'?

1st post and we are all the same..... in my opinion.

I'm with wisewoman on this. It's our place to 'listen' to posters who choose to express their distress. Not to judge. IMO, J08, that is exactly what you have been doing recently.

the adverts at the top often reflect your own recent searches phoenix - cookies and all that. GN gotta make a crust to pay the salaries.
It's not the other members getting upset that's the issue - it's the OPs.
Only suggesting j08 - but do you enjoy the upset created when your well meaning advice is received with so little appreciation.
If someone took their troubles to a professional counsellor or therapist they would not be piling in with the bracing advice on the first visit methinks - they would let the person offload, empathise and listen wouldn't they?

You did ask! And you are getting responses which you don't seem to like. If you are being huffy about the responses you are doing just what you don't seem to understand in others

No. Do not enjoy any genuine hurt. Bit of huffiness never hurt anyone though. Enjoying g this thread though!

We are not professional counsellors!

I'm also with wisewoman. I'm fairly new to Gransnet and feel a bit intimidated just reading some posts and responses. I suppose I want to share things that I may be reluctant to share with people who know me as I put on a "brave face" with them. Some of the comments are pretty aggressive and I feel the people who post originally are doing so because they feel upset. I think of Thumper -the rabbit in Bambi - "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all!!"

Don't understand your last post Jess. Was that addressed to me?

I did n' t actually mean this thread to be about me.

Someone else got called over the coals.

Is the sun shining where you are? Gorgeous day here.

Nothing wrong with hinting to people where they might be 'going wrong' but that's not the same as telling someone they are in the wrong, lacking empathy, not understanding the other person's perspective.

LOL

Do you not know j08 that you are the queen of this particular mode of response? The rest of us may transgress occasionally when an OP hits a raw nerve.

I may possibly be a 'lurker' as I have followed this thread but resisted posting until now.
I am of the opinion that anyone plucking up the courage to post on here in the knowledge that their problem is plastered all over the web, by definition, must be suffering in one form or another and possibly feels they have no one else to turn to. Any response is therefore, I would like to think, considerate of the feelings and possible emotional turmoil the poster may be experiencing. The act of posting details of a problem is probably in itself a cry for help and a response, with that in mind, might just help the individual concerned to start on the road to recovery.
I accept that all responses are subjective and in many cases a reflection of the individuals demeanour and possibly an indicator of their ability to have empathy with others temporarily not so secure as themselves with their emotions. Sometimes a blunt, matter of fact response or opinion is required but more often than not, in matters involving human emotions, a more sympathetic and caring offering of advice is often called for no matter how silly or childish the post may be taken to be. In the eyes and mind of the poster it will be very real, of utmost importance and probably seemingly unsurmountable. With that in mind it would be nice to think that each of us has the ability to help in some tiny way.

That post is too long to read on a sunny day

Professional counsellors would not collude with their 'clients' in seeing all the fault in a stressful situation as being with the other person. Especially they would criticise that other person based on the information given by the client.

It would be important, though, to understand the client's feelings and viewpoint without judgement before progressing later to a few interventions/challenges if appropriate.

We are not in a professional counselling situation on GN but I do sometimes feel the sympathy goes a bit too far than is helpful.

would NOT criticise

Glad you are enjoying this thread J08 what a pity it has to be at the expense of others. Well said ps and not too long even on this sunny day.

A lot of problems are caused by people not having the time to read what people say but finding the time to wade in with short and harsh comments perhaps [?].

I agree that sometimes too much sympathy can blunt people's attempts to find a sensible solution, Petallus. It can be all to easy to get into a state of mind where all the blame is on the "other side" and the poster is the helpless victim, with everyone reinforcing their sense of grievance by their responses.

Understanding that they are hurt and confused by what has happened is essential before replying. They need sympathy, of course, but they also need to see the situation from the point of view of other people involved, and plan a way to improve things and not make them worse.

A trained counsellor or a good genuine friend, would listen to the story and draw out attitudes and insights, without blanket criticism of either side. On GN we ought to be in the position of trusted sensible friends, not accusers (or smothering feather beds, either) Rephrasing our first instant reactions more tactfullyis part of that.

Exactly Elegran

I agree with nearly everything you posted above Elegran except for the part which suggests 'on GN we ought to be in the position of trusted, sensible friends'....not sure that we know people well enough to be trusted or their situation well enough to be a true friend.

Nor is this medium conducive to getting the whole story straight, and asking the correct questions. Too many people to just one with the issue, and posts crossing over each other. Some questioning, some offering advice, some telling their own story, some joining in later in the debate, others being forced to leave, etc.

Under these circumstances is much to be said for just offering a sympathetic, listening ear.

Agree, we can't know the whole story, so can really only be vaguely sympathetic. A few practical suggestions and points made that may not have noticed are useful, though, and surely if they are laying the situation before us they must consider that we are the equivalent of sensible but understanding friends?

It's the timing that is crucial, I'm sure you'll agree petallus - and a finely judged thing in a one-to-one situation.
I agree sympathy can be overwhelming and as ultimately unhelpful as someone telling to brace up