I just do not understand...

I mean words.

I agree with Tegan and others in wanting some understanding of how distressed a new poster might be.
You really do need to engage a bit more with a new poster to get some picture of how vulnerable they are.
There are some people you could risk being direct and very practical with at the start, others would be very distressed with this approach.

Yes Nelliemoser, wise words.

We cannot be expected to be on a par with the Samaritans.

I think if you were in a dark place, it would be more helpful to you if you joined in with the interesting or happier threads to start off with.

It's asking too much of an internet forum otherwise.

On Mumsnet you get a lot of threads where the posters criticise their mum-in-;
laws, and even their own mothers. The responding posts are usually "joining in" posts, saying how awful their mothers are too. I don't think it would be good if Gransnet was like that. Surely we, being older, should be able to look at two sides of a situation.

So we should hide our true feelings and angst and be bright and cheerful AND THEN vent our difficulties and unhappiness. Dream on.

We could try it.

J08 No way am I suggesting we should be like the Samaritans.

We should just be courteous to people and offer basic politeness. Even if it is someone who we know quite well can be a nasty bit of work and do not like or trust. Being basically polite even while disagreeing costs us nothing and saves aggro on all sides.

Oh yes. Definitely polite.

Unfortunately, an occasional post of this nature is a hoax, and intended for a gang of teenagers to giggle at the answers of gullible grannies. They will giggle at the umbrage raised by tart replies as well as the sympathetic ones that appear. That is why I don't post responses which are extreme in either direction - If I reply I try to give a practical suggestion which neither reinforces the possible self-pity that the OP could be feeling, nor condemns them for it without knowing them in person.

Well, one of the reasons. Another is that I would never blast anyone for seeking support, but there is always enough of it anyway from others without me adding to the pile.

I think you're right about the hoax element, Elegran. Quite a few of these posts are put on quite late at night which makes me wary.

I once phoned the Samaritans late one Saturday and said to them 'I'm not suicidal but I just need to hear someones voice'. I was going from mid day Friday to Monday morning without speaking to a soul and then slipping into Eleanor Rigby mode when I got into work on Monday morning. No one at work knew for months [probably even longer] the despair I was feeling. Late at night is when you scour the internet looking for answers [and sometimes just a friendly voice albeit a cyber one]. I'm not saying that some of these threads aren't hoax's and yes, it is sometimes upsetting when people don't take the time to give an update on their situation, but we should never make assumptions.

Tegan I've been in that place too, thankfully long ago now (before the internet)

I think I could tell from a post if someone was that much distressed.

I think it is only a few on here that are not genuine, but I do suspect there are one or two. You can't assume that any particular one is not genuine, though, or that they "just need to get a grip" or a similar dismissive reply.

I'm afraid I'm not such an expert in these things so would rather err on the side of caution in these matters.

No. I don't think for one moment they are "not genuine". But neither do I think they are on the brink of a complete emotional breakdown.

The one I got ticked off for replying to naturally (and not unkindly) just seemed cross rather than anything else.

So they need a bit of friendly strengthening, at a midpoint between total warm bath and icy shower?

Yes. It's ok to come on and have a moan, but I don't think we need too heavy about it.

to get too...

Elegran they just probably need chatting back to. Not wrapping in cotton wool.

We seem all to be agreed on this thread on how to react to people who bring their problems and troubles to us. I don't know how it is that some threads end up as arguments between a whole lot of people who are not even the ones with problems!

It has been with interest that I have followed the threads over the last few days after I originally submitted my post , having decided not to leave Gransnet as the sound advice and kind words from the majority outweighed the comments of one or two on here. I have chosen not to join in , not because I am a lurker .I have been a member of gransnet for a few years despite not over posting due to many life changes. However what is clear to me is that in order to be accepted by certain people you need to be the stiff upper lip type and then you are truly welcomed into their fold. I admire those who can do this but I can also be empathetic to those who cant like so many of you lovely ladies were to me. This is not to say that I have not gone over my feelings when i wrote my post and that maybe it did seem critical but I think its that thing of trying to fit all your emotions into one post without it continuing into pages. And I love my daughter dearly despite what others might think .
So I think my thread has probably run its course as it has been given a lot of discussion ,not due to its original content , but more in a way of highlighting about maybe only responding if you think you can offer non judgemental advice and support. I do however suspect those doing that will never accept this as has been evident by conversations I have followed.
Thanks to all of you , especially Aka (smile)