I'm a new nana, and have problems with DIL. We got on great until the baby was born.

Help.

The other granny has it pat: it's not your baby. Do what the baby's mother/parents want and no more. If you are seeing the baby every week I don't really see what you have to complain about.

There is nothing easy about being a Grandma, you just have to take a lead from the parents. It can be really hard to know they are struggling and just remain supportive ready to step up whenever asked but not pushing for what they do not feel ready to accept.

Your situation is difficult, made complicsted by the family living arrangement, but if you sense resentment then let them know you are there whenever they need you but do not expect to have time with the baby unless specifically invited. New Mums struggle with so many emotions, living with family adds another complication, to the general tiredness and lack of sleep.

Hard though it is try not to feel excluded, Can you have a chat with your son, let him know that you want to be there for them but will wait for them to feel ready to let baby go. Often a half hour walk is really all a young Mum wants to let her baby out for.

But isn't part of the point that the dil has said she doesn't like the OP having the baby once a week.... has she said what she would like ?

I too would be unhappy at no contact at all.

Could you invite her to yours once a week, just for an hour to start with. Maybe being out from the influence of her mum and sisters she might be inclined to open up ?

Why not get your son to look after baby for an afternoon and invite and treat DIL for afternoon out for a pampering session e.g. at a spa. Once she is enjoying herself and relaxed remind her that you think of her as a daughter and you miss her company, quietly tell her that you love her as well as your son and grandson and ask if she needs support. Tell her you know how hard it is with eg emotional turmoil after having a new baby. Then you will have to leave the ball in her court. But tell her to call you for a chat and catch up each week. Giving her a gentle reminder of how your relationship was along with reassurance may make her realise she needs you too.

Did you read my post?

n&g, "having" the baby is different from visiting the baby and his mum. OP said that she was visiting once a week before the "having" the baby without its mum came up. I think going back to that would perhaps be a good idea and that nanahana just has to lump it. It's not for her to make conditions, that is the mother's prerogative. Visiting once a week where the baby lives looks perfectly reasonable to me.

It sounds like your DIL didn't want you to take the baby in the first place and your son sorted it all. Shes tried it and doesn't feel comfortable.

You dont like going to their house which is fine and she doesn't like you taking the baby. Which is also fine. She shouldn't be forced to do something she isn't comfortable with, just like you.

Could you invite them both over to your house? Why doesn't she like the baby going over to anyones house?

I too think the word "having" is significant. And I also see your dilemma in that visiting where they are living (rather than taking him out) feels stressful. But the bottom line is that it is not your child and you must do what the parents want - full stop. I did not look after or take out any of my DGC until the parents requested it. There was no question of me asking for this or, worse still, veering towards demanding it.

I know it feel tough to you, but you have no rights and you just have to be there when needed, if you are available.

Nana sound like she doesnt know what she wants and just maybe she feels that you dont want to see her and only want the baby, my daughter felt a bit like that when my first DGC was born. Ask her if she would like to go for a coffee without the baby, and when you phone ask how she is before you ask about the baby, new mums can feel very invisible. Deep breath

It sounds to me as if your DIL's parents resent them being there and your DIL could be suffering from postnatal depression.
It could be it has nothing directly to do with you but you are caught in the middle. Maybe you could arrange to go out with her, with or without the baby, like you used to do.
Such a pity they can't get their own place to live. I know what it is like living with parents when you are married. It leads to all sorts of tension.

grannypiper sound advice - Mum is just as important as baby if not more so. Once you become a Mum people often don't see you as a person anymore & focus on baby. Take your lead from Mum even if it means less contact - could you Nanahana, invite your DiL & DGC out for coffee/walk in Park etc so you can have time with both away from her Family ??

DIL obviously not a happy bunny at the moment. Step back, chill out and focus on trying to build supportive relationship with the baby's parents.
I know it is hard but so is parenthood. Millions of grandparents are never allowed time alone with their grandkids, or it's just not practical for geographical reasons.
Or if we are allowed to take them out on their own, it's not until they are much older and not babies any more.

My problem was my daughters partner who is a lazy good for nothing who has never given my daughter support/money/ love.

7 years ago he tried to stop me seeing GD you can imagine the rows and sleepless nights, even calls to solicitors. However, now he is only to delighted when GD and GS leave the flat the two of them are hard work and he cannot cope! Whereas they are fine with me . Hang on in Hananana

She is just settling in to being a mum, I would let her get on with that and wait until she asks for help.

Her parents may well not be thrilled at having a baby in the house and are wise, to tell her it is her baby and she has to get on with it.

I am sure she will change in time. Your son has a role to play in all this of course, perhaps her parents blame him for the baby arriving when he has no home to offer their daughter?

He needs to man up a bit and make sure his child is raised in a way he wants too, however if they are living in someone else's house he is compromised perhaps in that.

I see the same thing here time after time, 'a son is a son till he takes him a wife etc'. It is generally the girl's parents who are closer to her and then the babies, that seems to be the way of things.

It does seem as if your DIL is suffering from som sort of PND especially if you got on ok before baby arrived. I would carry on trying to keep in contact with her regardless of whether you see your GS or not. You just have to keep trying to be supportive without interfering.

Maybe it's post natal depression. Perhaps you could buy a gift for her instead of for the baby. Let her know that she is valued as well.

Keep the contact you have and hopefully as your grandchild grows older and your DiL feels more confident things will ease up. However it is always difficult for a young couple to live in a parent's house and it seems that there are quite a lot of rules your DiLs mother has put in place to protect herself.

Just keep going as you are an hope things get better. Good Luck.

It was the same here Nanahana with my DIL. Our wonderful relationship seems to have suffered enormously since the birth of my GS and it has put my son into an awkward situation because he would like things back the way they were. I have felt terribly hurt but have tried not to show it most of the time. Things are slightly different now as she has returned to work and I look after the baby once a week but I am terrified I will do something wrong which will give her the excuse to say I can't have him any more. My son and I have discussed it and he says he won't let that happen but I don't want to be a point of conflict between them. I'm hoping if I can keep my head down, things will eventually return to normal.

Hi, personally, I don't think there's a whole lot of grown up communication going on here. Your son said it's fine for you to take the baby...and now your daughter in law has changed her mind? Why? If she can't say why, could your son? I think you need to stay out of her own family stuff and ask your son if you can infact have weekly contact with the baby or not. If he says it's ok...take it that it is...collect the baby and take him back with minimal contact with the others if necessary. I wouldn't question anything else too much. I know it's far from ideal but you deserve a little time with the baby and you don't need all the hassle of everything else. Even if you think that sadly, your daughter in law is unwell, she has many other adults around who can/should support her...and at the end if the day, I expect she does at some level, appreciate some time for herself when you go there.

If it was PND she would want rid of the baby and would try to get rid at any time. She might have PNA which instead of depression is anxiety.

Maybe her parents are aware of how their DD feels about you having the baby? If you have tried from the start to get time with the baby alone or want to have the baby. When you said you wanted the baby to come to you, did you mean just the baby? Or your DIL too? If her parents are aware of this that might be why they seem abit off with you?

Maybe your DIL doesn't want a break from her baby, maybe she just wants someone to sit with him while she has a shower or a meal. Theres a huge difference between watching/visiting her and taking the baby away for a few hours, especially if she is experiencing some sort of PND/PNA. If you was friends before the baby then go back to being friends not just getting at the baby.

Well if I were in your position I would do as your partner says and stay away. Why the hostility? Who knows. When she eventually finds it all too much and asks why you no longer take the baby you can tell her about the things you posted above and ask what it is that has upset her. I wouldn't put up with that myself. Remember though that all this is new to your dil. Tell her she is always welcome to call at your house with the baby and that you love them both. Maybe a letter could convey that to her? Maybe her parents have said something to her about you going round to their house? Maybe something has been said that was taken the wrong way? Tell your son why you don't call round anymore too.

You are not the sort of Nana that says 'You do it this way' are you? New Mothers are very touchy about that. Let her make her own mistakes and she will thank you for it. Only give advice when it is asked for. If she is suffering from some sort of depression then I think maybe her husband could mention a visit to the doctors, but don't you say anything or it could be awkward for you. Invite her round to yours and make a fuss of them. Don't say you are not coming round to her parents anymore, just say you thought she would appreciate a change of scenery. That might work.k

A baby for a first time mother can be quite traumatic and hormones are all over the place Give DIL time. Did you send her a card of congratulations. Let your son know you are there for them and leave the rest to new mum as hard it might be for you to take it on board.