Anyone else feel surplus to requirements ?

Littletoothill
Of you don’t have any major health problems you already know about you might want a GP to see why you feel tired and with little ‘get up and go’ at such a relatively young age
Also , do you need hunk you might have a slightly elderly mindset? There are only a couple of years between me and the other gran in the family but we are poles apart in outlook and energy , and she is very much of the opinion that there is a certain way to be as a pensioner and a grandparent
I hope you find a way to throw yourself in to life a bit more

At 68 I feel fitter and healthier than I have been for years, time to go to the gym, lift weights, walk, learn new skills like piano playing, attend courses and have great days out with friends. I don't recognise these as my twilight years yet?
When we have family round we are still hosting, I feel more like the matriarch than grandma in a corner. And they are still coming to me for help and advice. I think if I'm not acting old, they won't treat me old! The only thing I have conceded is Xmas lunch, after 40 years I am happy to pass that on to my lovely oldest son.

Batnan

I'm 65 and just feel like I only get to see the GD when she needs babysitting. It's really frustrating but I daren't say anything as the DiL has got a real stick up her butt about everything (real control freak) and son thinks the son shines out of her proverbial. I love my son but he's no longer the person he used to be. He seems cowed and quiet and I raised him to be a free spirit. DiL is always correcting me about things I do with the GD - showing her a bumble bee was "teaching her to do stupid, dangerous things." I am so depressed.

This is so sad, and I hear this such a lot now. I don't know what is the matter with these young women; read Mumsnet, they're everywhere. They will learn when it's their turn how hard it is to form these in-law relationships, and how heartbreaking it can be. When I worked with families, these attitudes seemed to improve as they matured, at over 40. In the meantime I can only offer sympathy and suggesr that least said is soonest mended, and ignore what you can. It's really hard

I’m now a redundant Nanny as all 5 of mine are self sufficient teenagers. So I’ve resumed my travelling and am working my way through my bucket list. When my 3AC are all together with all their families, I just sit back and wallow in my pride. It’s just such an amazing thought that they are all there ….. just because of you, so just watch and enjoy what you have achieved. I consider myself so so lucky to be still here and involved in some small way, in all their lives.

Oh gosh, I’m 70 and have arthritis and various other ailments but I’m still the one who has to organise everything. I cook for anything between 7 and and 14 when family visit and arrange any activities we do after or before the food. I sometimes wish somebody else would take over a bit but I’d rather be the organiser than feel surplus to requirements. Could you not try to join in a bit more? It doesn’t matter if you don’t always know exactly how to play to their standard, we often find that makes it more fun!

Love the sound of this! Grandma when needed, but card sharp and dice player on the side. I’ve visions of you with a visor eye shade and those things that hold up your sleeves. Absolutely love it, hope you’re not offended!

Ive never been a mother or a grandmother (or wished to be) so I dont feel "pushed out". My grandmother always used to say that people treat you in the way that you teach them to treat you.

Your status is what you go out and claim in this world

I only started feeling like granny in the corner since losing my DH. I think it's just that I'm no longer the most important person to anybody anymore and because I don't do anything interesting anymore I don't have much to talk about so tend to listen more than talk. A loss of confidence really I suppose not that anybody is being unkind.

Totally with you on this.
I’m in Brittany France with daughter 1 (50) husband + 2 grandchildren (28, 13)& daughter 3 (40) + husband & 2 grandchildren (15,11).
I’m spoken to ( if at all) as though I’m senile, or they are all on their electronics the whole time!?
If I say anything, I get ‘the look’ ‘ are you mad, or what?”
I’m 75. It’s cruel

I hear every single word you said. I feel completely redundant. I'm 58 not 108. It's hid me very hard. It's hard especially in a crowd. I'm regretting retiring. I got an illness that ended my career completely. I lost work my mates as well. Hopefully things will improve but, it might get better but I'm not optimistic. I just feel on the scrap heap. My illness doesn't seem to be improving at all. My I'll health was caused by Covid and I'm angry at that. Oh well that's the way it is. I'd love to hear from someone who lost their livelihood. Maybe I should just cop on and start living properly

I'm going to start living and laughing again. Wish me well x

Maybe the family gatherings are just that- the whole family gatherings. Why not arrange this so you can do-the-rounds for having an afternoon/ day/meal with just the one 'brood' rather than the full crew. Then there's more personal 'you' time from their children to you. Is it all hiking, rock climbing, a sailing etc ? How about Art &/or Music ? What's the grandchildren's favourite school subjects .... surely not simply sport ? There are pastimes other than those of the 'keep fit' brigades. What about Nature Walks ? Bird Watching ?

Thankyou for your post - I often feel the same even while feeling happy that they all get on so well. Love this website - often puts things into perspective for me

EeeBee I am so glad to see you facing challenges with a determination to 'say yes to life' - I wish you all good things.

Surplus to requirement? Oh, yes! And be warned, if you live to become a widow, it will become at least ten times worse, however independent you are.

That said, we age differently, and at times we ARE tired, and honestly some of the advice given seems a little unkind. I am sure you are trying to take an interest etc.

Have you tried taking it very easy for a couple of days before being with "your gang"? If not, do and I trust you will find it makes a great difference,

If you are tired all the time, have a check-up. There might just be some minor physical ailment, like anaemia, that easily can be put right.

My eldest is 64 and today I celebrated my 94th birthday so I do understand what you are getting at. However you are far too young to feel surplus! Keep a few party tricks up your sleeve. Organise a surprise quiz for instance. I did, ad it was a great success, surprisingly so. I had 30 printed questions and pencils for everyone. Winner got a bottle of wine.

Thank you. Yes, I keep my mouth shut an awful lot but I live by myself and find myself overthinking everything in bed at night. It's really hard sometimes to not say anything and I have to bite my tongue. I don't want to alienate anyone - my GD is my first GC and I couldn't bear it if I didn't get to see her. Thank you for your support and thank God for this place.

At 79 I do not consider myself in any twilight years. I plan to live till I die! If you looked at things slightly differently you might enjoy things more. I have looked after everyone for so many years and not had a lot of time or money to do the things I want to do. Now I live alone I now can choose what to do without guilt or feeling I should be doing something else. If I wake up at 4.30am with my back hurting I can put the light on and read, get up and go out quietly , decide to make the most of the time and get up get ready and pack up coffee and sandwich and go off to the coast. Great get there with total choice of where I go , enjoy the sand, walk around use my binoculars and then as it gets busy go back with lots of the day left to do the jobs I left. The saying is if you have lemons make lemonade. So it is frustrating when you have problems doing things you used to do easily, but then you have the chance to stop doing the jobs you hate and let someone else do it. Think what you would like to do and do it and just tell them when you have made your own arrangements. dont worry what they are doing, let them do it , and do your own thing. If you spent your time aiming at doing what you would enjoy doing while you can and concentrate on that . Take the joy of the garden and the countryside, I cant do the gardening that I used to do , but still enjoy looking at flowers . Your choice, sit in the corner and as Billy Connolley says become a Beige woman in a Beige cardigan, or make the most of every day and dont be judged by other peoples standards. do your own thing!!

Join in! Find a role for yourself. I know that when I was a teenager, I felt safe knowing that my great aunts were around. (My grandmother’s died young). I loved their offers of chocolate, looking around their gardens or just chatting to them. It doesn’t sound exciting, but now as a granny myself, it is often the little things that make the fondest memories!

Thank you for your post. I am 69 and feel very much the same as you and others who have agreed or been sympathetic to your comments. My family are mostly caring and kind but I do feel sidelined, especially since I retired. No one listens to me much any more but I wonder if I'm kidding myself that they ever did! Nevertheless, I am also ambivalent about ageing and enjoy being Granny in the corner at times. I have been very busy in my life until recently and did a lot of energetic activities with my grandchildren when they were younger. They're adult now and in many ways it's a relief not to be so involved any more. I would just like to have a little more status when I am with my family but I remember that I didn't always listen very much to my own mother and found some of her attitudes old fashioned. I probably do find my past more interesting than my present and enjoy reminiscence. I have enjoy the reminiscences of older people all my life, such interesting stories but I suppose it depends whether you enjoy history. I take comfort from some psychologists who theorize that one of the tasks of older age is to reflect on one's life and come to terms with events and changes. People are very different and I'm always surprised by contemporaries who are not interested in discussing these changes. On the one hand I admire the carry on as before energy, on the other hand I wonder if it's deluded and lacks insight.

It is interesting that it is ladies who seem to feel these things the most. My DH would shrug all these things off. His self esteem is high, and it simply wouldn't bother him! He has no intention of doing child care, and whilst he attends family events, he makes no effort to engage with grandchildren. Consequently they all adore him, and he is the one the children seek advice from! These daughters in law, I suspect, would never treat the granddads as they feel free to treat the grandmas. I think there may be something to be learnt from them!

Rillaof Imgleside, are you new? I haven't seen your name before. if so welcome!

I think you have a very good point. I also think that we have a generation of women who have invested too much of themselves into their children. Parents better off than the generation before them have invested far more in their children on many fronts - the Bank of Mum and Dad so adult children have been left dependant on parents even after they have left home and set up separate homes, and many women, in poorly paid and part time job, faced with children with full time jobs and childcare jobs have again looke dtothe Bank of Mum and Dad, this time for a time commitment to child care.

I think this will end with this generation. Our children are marrying and having children late and if they are still under retirement age when they become grandparents will be working full time, if over retirement age, probably too old to do more than intermittent childcare.

I was in my mid 60s when I became a grandmother. My DDiL's mother was over 70.

Come on 68 is hardly old.

I am 67 and made Everest Base Camp last year during a 3 week trek in Nepal.

RillaofIngleside
I've seen you post before, and I agree.

Hi Monica and MissAdventure, I don't post often but do frequently read! I am just feeling particularly incensed this week, having spoken to two friends who are being blocked by their children for no apparent reason, and then reading several threads by grans and mothers in law who are being treated so disrespectfully. I think you are right, Monica, I'm not sure why people in the last generation seem so invested. I brought my children up in the same way as my 50s mother did us, and we always treated our elder relatives with care and respect. We recognised that most generally did and do their best for us, and that they have a right to their own lives. I worked full time until 5 years ago, and took a pragmatic view of motherhood. And now I have a pragmatic view of grandmotherhood! There are many things I want to do with my life. When I help out (and at any other time) I expect my children still to be respectful and polite. Someone else posted that you are treated how you expect to be treated, and there is some truth in that. However, I would not accept engagement at any price, my own sense of self worth is higher than that, however heart breaking. Hopefully things will change in the next generation as you say.